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... [05 Oct 2009|09:36am] I have returned. post comment

Rocky VI [20 Dec 2006|06:42pm] Rocky V had the potential to be one of the most believable Rockys of them all. Boxing IS that corrupt, anyone who's ever seen an episode of Survivor or something KNOWS stabs in the back like that, for personal aggrandizement (read: winning/taking whatever is wished), are daily news, and it would make sense that kids raised on wealth and power like Rocky had as champ would turn quickly into young punks, like Rocky, Jr. did. The horror was the idiotic street brawl, and not sticking to freakin' BOXING. Now, on to the current movie (which I WILL call Rocky VI, because to not talk about V is like talking about the Western, Good and Noble U.S. government after the Kennedy assassination)...and, in fact, series as a whole. The weakness of the Rocky films, after III or so, is an unwillingness to show bad things actually happening to the hero. It's a stretch easily understandable, of "we can't show actual consequences, this is a FEELGOOD movie”...when nothing about Rocky should've ever been just "feelgood." Rocky, as a series, could've been eminently believable: instead, it is eminently watchable (except for V, because of the lack of actual BOX...nevermind). A bum fighter, who has the talent of a one-in-a-million ("...THE TALENT TO BECOME A GOOD FIGHTER!"), finally gets his head turned around to train right, and put "INSTEAD OF THAT, YOU BECAME A LAMEBREAKER! A CHEAP, SECOND-RATE LONG-SHARK!!" behind him. He, frankly, GETS BETTER. And he goes 15. Next he learns to keep himself at that level, and uses his natural ability to stand against maddening levels of blunt-instrument pain to his advantage, and slowly puts together some technical style (inch by inch, anyway) to add on to that. Then he gets a swelled head, gets his head handed to him, and doubts himself enough that it requires his former #1 opponent, who had come to respect his Eye of the Tiger, to train him in all the right moves that he never learned the first time. He gets over fear of failure lastly, and goes on to show he truly was the greatest fighter of this alternate universe's 1980s (hence the Dixon comments later...and incidentally, explanation as to why people would be willing to watch boxing on TV, more on this later). We're all fine, so far. Rockys I-III are an absolutely astounding achievement in sports movie history. Then came IV, the most wonderful and stupid of them all. This, outright, was an appeal to Cold War, American supremacism. The message is clear (before the "If I can change, you can change..."). We are AMERICA, and we will bury you in the end. Knock us down 20 flippin' times, Krauts? We'll keep hammerin'. Sneak attack us and steal have the Pacific, Japs? We'll keep choppin'. He's WEARING an AMERICAN FLAG for a GARMENT at the end (something I, admittedly patriotic American loyal to Old Glory, get slightly upset about...every...single...time...). All this does not detract from Rocky IV, mind you: it adds to it, given the nature of the Rocky "feel". No matter how much a bum, you CAN turn it around...no matter the odds, you can triumph. The BREAK in IV was that no longer were there consequences. Oh, there is the nod in V to the brain damage he'd rationally accrue from Drago (as well as all the other stuff, al la Ali). But, no longer is there the rationality of there being MAJOR FALLOUT (read: forever after) to Paulie pissing away his money. Paulie DOING THAT was fine, thematically: he IS a bona-fide bum who got lucky to know Rock and filch off him. But would YOU get over someone pissing away $20 mil (how much I figured he was worth by then, adjustment for inflation), like Rocky has seemed to by the sixth movie? In fact, with Adrian dead of cancer, you'd think ALL THAT MONEY could've HELPED A LITTLE...so, umm, should've he kinda hate Paulie's guts a little more? You kinda figure... Anyway: no consequences. Rocky can get ABSOLUTELY FRAGGIN' PULVERIZED by the Russian, and he looks like a movie star in V (another major issue, but like I need to tell you people this). It would've been eminently more Believable for Rocky to have defeated The Drago by sheer will, then collpased to the canvas so hard that you actually heard his knees cracking open. That IS what their saying ringside before The End, right? Go all the way, even if it kills you? Good times....and it SHOULD have "killed him," at least halfway. He should've been in the hospital again...but now, from punch-drunkeness, there is no fix, only slow toleration. We've all seen the horror of what it brought to Ali...and BECAUSE OF THAT (couldn't resist)...they copped out in IV. They just couldn't show it, Rocky being like Ali. And that ended the perfection of it... (...INCLUDING the Adrian scenes that WOULD'VE HAPPENED, despite so many pure fighter fans hating it, Bill Simmons included...the majority of women DO get upset from the notion of combat or danger for the sheer hell of it all..."What's he going to PROVE?" (it's not about proving anything) was asked by John Fitch's wife, on the PBS special, why he, an 80+ YEAR OLD, was going to try to break a old drag racing record on the Bonneville salt flats...) ...and created the Rocky FRANCHISE out of the former Rocky Series. The Series was chronological events...franchise was movies for a buck. V was the natural progression of this. VI...."had the potential to be"...but for the events that started in IV. Rocky became "make people feel good," rather than telling of the rise and decline of the greatest fictional boxer of all time...who, I should note, would BE the reason people would watch it on ESPN. People were watching into the 1980s because of Ali/Frazier duels. When those passed away, and the Don King era started (which V actually does a good job showing, after a fashion), people lost interest. Corruption lost their interest, in other words. Rocky's brilliance, the departure between their world and the real one (seriously, there should've been some alt.hist. reference in Rock's aging stories about his 'famous 1990 knockout' of Tyson to defend the title..), kept everyone in it for another two decades. That and ABC Sports/ESPN on ABC is OBVIOUSLY still broadcasting the Heavyweight Championship of the World on into the 21st century, like they should've been in our world all along. Anyway: Rocky Balboa (VI) cannot be glorious as a feelgooder, because boxing is not about feeling good. Boxing is brutal, savage, and wonderful. Rocky once stood for this. Now it stands for inspiring people. Funny, that. post comment

Something that just came after I posted that... [23 May 2006|01:08am] Revolution. We talk about it so much. I talk about it so much, my friend Saera Hanlon loves the idea so much. Revolutionary revolutions. Upside down world inside out. Woohoo rahrah. It's meant nothing, so far. None of it. Not what we've thought about thus far, she and I and so many others, and not what everyone shouted about and screamed in the 1960s or 1970s. Everything fissled, by God. Look at it. Who among the "revolutionary" counter-culture hadn't fled the country (chickening out), gotten arrested for armed-robbery or something (opposite the "peace" notions they often advocated), or simply licensed out their beliefs as a commercialistic product?? NO ONE, that's who. They all sold out. By the time of the 1980s, it was already a past thing for America. The revolutions that had been touted had accomplished nothing, accept for the following three things: 1) Shattered belief systems, with a barren emotional wasteland to replace them, for millions; 2) Random notion-hopping for still others, where the "Truth" they sought changed every day and had no more root and growth within them than a pebble has a root system; 3) Attempted satisfaction of desires through self-satisfaction and materialistic STUFF, whatever form that stuff came in. Look at the 1980s as a whole, and see the attitudes of the Yuppies who'd come out of the 1960s and '70s. That's all that happened. The revolutions of renown had produced a world no more inviting than the one that came before...only now, instead of having a firm THING to not believe in, to stand against, now everything was okay, everything was someone's own thing, everything was....muted. It was okay. It was... INSANE, is WHAT it was. Absolutely insane that America, or ANY nation, could so universally lose its way as the United States did in the 1960s and '70s. Ronald Reagan was elected President, yeah...but by then it was too late. The 'philosophic' of America had changed by that time, and the people who agreed with Reagan, and followed him, were either of the grandfatherly age he was of, coming from the 1940s, and all that decade in turn meant to American history, or they were the grandCHILDREN of Reagan's generation, believing in voting for their grandfatherly figure, for all intents (as well as the fact that he kicked ass as President, from invading and freeing Grenada to helping push the button on the Soviet Union's implosion, but that more sauce for the goose). Welcome to America. The standard is pathetic, and the alternative is worse. Philosophy 101, from your friendly neighborhood Squalleus Maximus. post comment

Rambling returns and statements [23 May 2006|12:51am] I find it so terribly difficult to post actual legible thoughts in an environment that constantly has noise and commotion caused by those around. Again and again, people around me, specifically my family, seem to enjoy making a large amount of noise that specifically detracts from my being able to have distinct, non-conformist thought...as strange as that might sound in nature to the person randomly reading this entry. To put it another way, I find most of the supposedly "non-comformist" things that those around me want me to pay attention to actually rather conformist indeed, when anyone stops and looks at what they're saying. Leave this boring world, and.....enter this one, baby! Depart from the masses on that side, and join the ones on this side. People singing about the same damn things, the same damn human emotions that have always gripped them, angst and struggle and difficulty replacing the previous emotions of......angst...struggle...difficulty... It's enough to drive someone insane. And believe me, if it wasn't for YHVH already, I'd be there, just like a given Nietzsche or Hemingway (to differing degrees, mind you...Hemingway just killed himself, after all). This might sound like I'm now harping on about the same thing I've mentioned in the past...and maybe I am...but at least I'm trying to find new insights along the way. So many others seem content on the insights they've had...or, in seeking their new ones, they build on absolutely nothing, being 'tossed to and fro' as the Book once said. These people (whether they be women...ugh...or men, ugh just as much, or gods...a little bit better...) seem, through that, so unable to create an actual philosophical OUTLOOK on life that it's a wonder to me even now how they ever actually say anything legible to begin with. Sorry, rambling as I warned about. I'm tired of people f*cking me over. Not literally, mind you, that might actually make things semi-decent...but figuratively. Emotionally. Assuming, I guess, that my nature is so normal to me that I'll always be around, will always be a friend, will never abandon...which is probably true, mind you, that I WILL fight to the death, never give in, never give up, even when I'm not thanked for what I try to do to help...but it gets VERY discouraging, over time, to never hear thanks, at least no thanks untempered by "but right here, Chris, you could be doing a LOT better...", or "It doesn't matter how much worse you could be, Chris, this you let out is already unacceptable..." Again granted, there are exceptions to this rule. There's the Mar's of my world, friends who seem to stick around through thick and thin, through the best and worst of times, always wanting to be there, even. But even that, sometimes painful in a way. If I weren't around, I come to wonder if they, in turn, would go crazy. If I didn't dominate the environment they now know, if they'd eventually give in to "the pressure of it all," and resign themselves to simply fading away...away away away...et al. Obsessively seeking out my company. That's what it sometimes feels like. Obsessively trying to be around me, to either see what I'll do next, or seeing me as SUCH a good friend that I need to be talked to Every Waking Moment. Then I come to my proverbial senses, and realize that they just want to be friends, right? My sense of desire for privacy can get a little overboard, right? It's what the backstabbing bitch Kristen Plouse (and yes, I'll state her by name, it makes life more worth living to call them out, mark a line in the ever-fading sand) made clear to me was a FAULT of mine, after all. My fault. My fault for feeling unsettled with others around, unsettled at presences that never seem to end, never seem to stop looking over my shoulder. I should learn to accept it, no? No... Sorry for the rambling, again. I have to deal with HALLELUJAH music, to the Great God YHVH (who I do love) blaring in the background, as I attempt to write this stuff legibly. One of my lesser-successful attempts at deep thought, this here seeming. Until next time, fellow Revolutionaries. post comment

Realities undesired [29 Nov 2005|04:53am] Some people out there will have no idea what this pertains to. I have no desire for you to, so that's good anyway. Some others do...one would know specifically. If they wish to talk with me about this, so be it. If they don't, so be it. If some think this is not the place, or it's wrong to publicly (however public this is supposed to be, anyway) speak of private matters, then fuck you, I don't give a shit. Statement: You are unfair, regarding emotions in general. Reply: I never pretended to be fair I was always under the impression that friends were supposed to be that with each other, and that all the explanations of emotional states in the fucking universe changed absolutely nothing about that. Seems as though you're saying you never pretended to give a damn. Boo-hoo for me, I guess. As an aside, if you're going to reply "YOUR [my] definition of friends...", then I'll bang you back with saying your definition sounds more like two people mutually manipulating each other for selfish purposes. Here's hoping I'm wrong on that one, but that's what it FEELS like. Statement: You claim I'm 'not allowed' to be certain things, at certain times, and you yourself can do whatever you want, so to speak. Next Statement: You pretended to claim that I could speak of anything I wanted with you, and you could do the same, a mark of friendship that has any value whatsoever. Reply: No, you can be whatever you want to be. But you being certain things I guess makes me not want to be around you as much. Feelings Statement: So you like being around me when you benefit from it, but when I want benefits in return, it's wrong, and I should know better, lest I get hung up on/abandoned-for-the-moment. Logic Statement: I will try to do better there, my friend, though I make as few guarantees about my emotional responses as you favor doing for your own self. Statement: Though you're the same thing, and I'm supposed to go through it, to "go the extra mile" as a friend? Next Statement: *Pauses, and realizes something.* [material which was never spoken upon in the end, mainly because of what will later follow. will statement what that realization was at the end of this entire entry, in turn] Reply: Stop that PRETENDED bullshit with me. You know I was sincere. If you don't, then you REALLY don't know me. What happened is that I realized that life doesn't work quite like that. Sometimes silence is more valuable than sharing everything. If you were sincere about it, then you'd have stuck to it when it didn't feel as good. Friends DO that.....or are supposed to, right? Or aren't they? Aren't we, as "friends" supposed to go that extra-mile? Aren't they SUPPOSED to endure stuff THAT THEY DON'T LIKE, for each other's benefit? I know I've tried to, with you. Does it not cut both ways? Fascinating how YOU realized it, btw. I never got that sensation, and yet it is True, eh? No question at all, eh? Wonder how long that'll last, until it too changes, like the wafing of the wind and the shimmering of the sea, having no more than sun dog might in root of reality. Oh looky, that jackass concept rhymes. Anyway....you WERE sincere, eh? Hard for me to accept that, even though I tend to believe it, because it means you're not one to trust on what you say. And you DID say it, as you obviously know. But if you know it, then what THE HELL?.............?!!!!?!?!?!?!?! Statement-Reply: I say pretended because if you meant it, it'd still be in effect. Next One: (Is, with me, but beside the point) Next One: Funny how I never realized that at all, and felt perfectly comfortable in that balance. Concluding One: In fact, felt Loved, so rare an emotion for one like me. Yeah, you claim you change. What of it. I've changed several times, I previously informed you I'd accepted. Doesn't mean I back out on my friends. My promise to a remarkable young woman named Dana burns in my heart, and I will ALWAYS be there if I can be. If I can't, FIND me, I tell her. Find me so that I CAN be there, as I PROMISED I'd be. I might not like what she's involved in, I might be unable to stomach distaste for it. Yet I will be there. Because I said. Period. End of discussion about me not being willing to. Period. End of discussion on that subject in turn. Getting the picture? If one doesn't keep to this, then they do not understand true friendship, going the extra mile, being there in thick and thin, for richer and happier or....certain somethings or other, having to do with Pain. Counter-Reply, and statements in turn, as it goes: FUCK YOU. I understand how you operate on a pretty high degree, especially in relation to other people. Do you? What the FUCK do you really know about me, Saera, if you think that I could just shrug off those very words? What the fucking hell do you know about how many people have confided in me on things I find disgusting, and I've told them that they always matter because of it, and their lives are their own in the end? What the hell do you really know about me, and how I act towards others OTHER than you? Since I didn't blow up at you like I wanted to there when you HURT me, with that and what follows, how do you know how I really react, to ANYTHING AT ALL???! Counter-Reply, Part 2: And I've accepted that you will react to certain things in a certain way. I am SO sick of you not accepting how I change when it makes sense to me. I don't understand what makes you think that I should keep doing something that feels WRONG to me. I let you deal with the world in ways that best make sense to you, but more often than not, I get the same kind of closeminded bullshit from you that I get from my religiously fanatical relatives about how I shouldn't be selfish and how I'm such a hypocrite and I don't know any better. Accepting you changing? Wanting you to do something that FEELS WRONG to you?? Let us....analyze this. If you don't feel like it, don't like it, "that's okay"....I'll just do it anyway, to take a page out of your own book of solutions to matters. I am not "reacting" to stuff. I think things out, come to conclusions that don't defy what I AM (as in period Period, thus-be-it-thus because Chris happens to Exist And All...), and I then act on them. I consider matters horrifically deep before I do them, since if I feel like backing out of promises I made, then FUCK ME (nice phrasing, there). I still am bound by them. I will ALWAYS be bound by them, since I am bound by my love for others. If I just up and abandon them in time of need, in times I don't feel like being there in the most painful-for-me of ways, then I am a Self-Centered Being in the worst way possible, who's gone rotten in my 'deep, fruity core'. Mememe, Mememe, followed by Mememe and some mememe in the background. The narcissist, 'entitlement,' Me Generation would then have its poster-child, and it would look disgusting. Then again, in a world where people are suing others for tapping cars slightly, maybe they don't need a poster-child at all. What feels WRONG to you is loyalty to another more than to your own self. It's as simple as that. You can clothe it in the most royal of colors and descriptions, but in the end, you refuse to see it for what it is. Or maybe you DO see it for what it is, and that is where I get my mind-boggling mental hangup, of not believing how in the HELL you could choose that. Others mean more than me, of this I have no doubt. If I behaved like that, I would be saying that I'm the most important person in my universe, instead of the least. Good God....that's like.....there's not even words for it. Counter-Reply, Part 3: WELL GUESS WHAT? I don't CARE if I seem contradictary to you or anyone else, because I make sense to myself. And if I seem SELFISH, it's because no one but me sees what I do for others. If I say I'll do something and it changes, it changes for DAMN GOOD REASONS that I think about a LOT. And if I don't know any better than what I do and what I think, that's because people are too ignorant to stop long enough to find out if I have a basis for thinking the way I do. They don't ask if there's a book or event that changed me. They just tell me I shouldn't have changed. Or they tell me that I should change to what they think I should be. You know, I have actually ASSUMED, for a long time, you privately did nice things, amazing things, for others. It never even entered my mind that that was an issue here. How could you NOT do such things, a way to say it better. Now I begin to realize how naive I am about reality. About how little others might truly care. Or at least.....care for me. Then again, being outcast as I've sometimes been, it's my own damn fault. Your reasons for it changing are worthy of "reasonableness" solely to you, I am to likewise assume? Friendship on the matter, with who you'll stick with statements to are decided solely by you, eh? The friends with which you are friends to begin with enter not in? Because if I'm jumping the gun and acting like a total asshole here, I would like to state in my defense that I am merely saying what it feels like, what it seems to be, both for communication and to see if you honestly care or not. I'm beginning to have doubts if you do. Oh, you care and would like me to be a happy person, but not if it gets in your way.....or so, it seems. Yes, you've stayed up late with me, and lost sleep for me. You've tried to get along with me during extremely difficult times, and tried to soothe and console me when I've been upset. You've "endured," for me. And for that I thank you more than I know how to say. You've been Priceless, always have and will be. Always will be loved. But you know what? It's hard not to lash out with "yeah, and I'd do the same for you, so....so what? It's the OPENNESS that makes the friendship, or kills it." I've listened to some of the reasons you've given for the change. I am -waiting- for the reasons, here as you are reading this. If they've already been given, as I'm convinced by now that they have, then what we have is a simple emotional situation, in regards to me and you. Me being upset, and you not giving a fucking damn. Simple, straightforward as I might be able to hope for. Except that no one's actually said it yet in such wording. No one's openly proclaimed as yet that you simply don't care.....so I'll ring in the concept right here. Your reasons were that you were swept up with so-and-so. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing with other so-and-so. It was glorious, it was dramatic, it was bright and SHINY. Big woo. 'What if it hurts Chris that you haven't even MENTIONED this kind of thing to him, after telling him that you liked him in THAT kind of way?' ---Meh, fuck him....this is Right for ME, right here right now. If he can't understand, if he WON'T understand, then he doesn't really want the best for me like I thought he did. It HURT, woman. It hurt like screaming cauldrons of HELL that you didn't even TELL ME BEFORE IT HAPPENED. If you had CUT IT OUT, ENDED IT...........then fine. I endure the pain. You didn't even have the bravery to do that. Caught up in the fucking emotion of the moment, I guess, and I was forgotten. Worse than rejected, if there exists such a thing, is this. Forgotten, like not even there. A reason I am so hell-bent on changing the world, which I SWEAR TO ANYTHING YOU BELIEVE IN THAT I WILL. I WILL be remembered.....by the universe, if not by you. What BOOK could possibly have inspired you to such a choice?...to just up and drop me off, not even TALKING to me about whatever, when I was under the impression that you liked me? What event could've inspired you, other than "the moment itself"? What philosopher could be so deranged as to say think not of people who care for you, who've been there for you. If faced with the same situation (which I was, incidentally), I would do EXACTLY what I am SAYING right HERE. I'd not forget you, I'd think about you lots, because you MATTER. Because you've always mattered to me. I, on the other hand, apparently don't matter to you. Not really. I'm nice, I'm sweet, I'm convenient. Whatever the fuck else, too. But I don't matter enough to EVEN TALK TO ABOUT SUCH STUFF WHILE IT IS OCCURING, apparently. And it HURT.......HURTS.......like FLAMING FUCK. Counter-Reply, Part 4: And I don't DO that to people. I don't tell anyone they'd be happier Wittan. I don't tell people they'd be happier Liberal. I don't push my views on other people. If other people want my views, they ask for them, or they read what I write in places where people are supposed to discuss things. But if people keep pushing themselves at me, I'm gonna start pushing back, and I'm gonna push bloody HARd. What the hell am I supposed to do?....hold it all in until someday my happy-face facade explodes into wrath, since I forget nothing of these sorts, for all intents? Become like all those other male bastards who show a nice exterior then become abusive??? You actually WANT me to do such things, instead of bring my personality to the open? What DO you really expect me to do, woman??...Act like all the rest of masculine society? I'd be not only a liar, but also a hypocrite. And you know what? After your comments about your own self being a hypocrite, admitting it, and then telling me I have no right to criticize for it? Shut UP...just shut the FUCK up. You just admit it openly, then expect me to be OKAY with, for all intents, being hit over the head with a stick? I'm a MALE, for the love of GOD. I don't COTTON TO getting hit like that. I don't ABIDE it, to quote some hobbit in Tolkien's work. Being a hypocrite means you have a double-standard. You have one set of rules for yourself (quite lenient, and allow you to be harsh to others), and another set of rules for others (or maybe only me). I don't know if this is in order to make you feel better about yourself, if it's to keep at bay a frightening person like me, or what. I no longer care. What I do care about is being up front with each other. Soooooooooooooo............in line with your acted-upon reasoning of "I decide for us, based on my own feelings of the way things should be, between us"...... I refuse to accept it. I will not allow a goddamn double-standard to be imposed. If you expect to dish out stuff to me, you'll get it in return, regularly. You'll see a human, who you claim to relish being a member of the race of, being just as stubborn about being treated well as you are, and if the fucking hydrogen bomb goes off between us because of it, fine. At least then you get to see a damn emotional mirror, even if only for an instant. Then again, knowing my luck, I'll be accused of being a horrible friend for all this, and you'll threaten to cut me off again, because "you don't enjoy talking about it." If so.....then grow the fuck up. Why would you think I'd talk about things just because I'd supposedly enjoy them? Parting comment: I'm going to watch a movie now. You want to think about it or post about it or whatever, okay. We can talk about it another time. I'll save this convo so I can remember what I said. Later. Response: Yeah. Later. post comment

The twilight of the gods [11 Nov 2005|06:09am] I am can say with definitiveness and finality, I may be the last one left. Amongst all the "peace and brotherhood" flaps of so many wandering around this fair and spectacular homeworld of ours (and it IS ours), I may be the last living member of a race of people who once existed gloriously, once made the universe around them their playground. What people are these? Real ones. Mistake me not for a notion that might spring to your head immediately...I mean not the notion of "Regular People." Regular people are resoundingly BORING, not to mention limited in scope. Regular people accomplish almost nothing, else they wouldn't be part of that "mass" out there, those always in the background, to begin with. Real people are those who live up to their potential. Those who use their abilities to their fullest, to accomplish, in the end, what they wish. Scary, isn't it? That for all the noble purposes we hear spouted over the years and centuries, it is those who accomplish what they will to accomplish that are remembered, whether or not others hate they for it, as what I here call "real people." Choose your own name for your own purposes...perhaps you see them as "manipulators" or "dominants" or "Alphas" or what have you. Perhaps you love them, perhaps you hate them. Perhaps you don't give a damn, and are one of the regular people. But they change the world; that is fact. If you beg to differ, you are wrong. Adolf Hitler, for all his evil, was definitely one. Joseph Stalin rose amidst the bureacratization of the Soviet Union to equal capacity, as to Mao Tse Tung. In ancient times, there were the mythological superheroes, the Heracleses and Achilles's. Demigods, because they had so much power...so much influence. Do not tell me that humanity seeks others to emmulate. Some among them do, that I grant. Some among them wish to follow idealistic beings who, quite simply, believe the world to be a "nice place" where everyone can get along. And on the whole, that is a wonderful thing....this from an avowed believer in a God-Monarch, as his personal more-than-conviction. But they are naive. They do not consider the foolishness of such a concept, on peaceful merit alone. Consider: How would you free Tibet from the control of Communist China, if that was a goal you were either given, or strived for yourself? Cause demonstrations? Tienenmen Square, and protestors mowed down like grass under machine guns and tank treads. They were nothing to a government that uses ruthlessness mixed with loyalty to accomplish its ends. Cause an uprising? Go look at the story of the Warsaw Ghetto: they accomplished nothing until armed. Yeah, it's sad. Yeah, it's horrible. And it's life. REAL people, powerful people, dynamic people, go after what they want. They negotiate when they have to, don't when they don't. They desire power, influence, prestige....the seeking of them called in our society, ambition. Real people have it, practically bleeding out of them. I have it, or so I'm told. And that makes me feel good, to not want to be a sheep. Maybe, or so I've considered over time, it is a predominantly male thing, which incidentally might get it attacked by the feminine side which finds such thoughts, or in their eyes misogyny, to be disgusting. Fine, whatever. I don't really care what they want to accuse me of, because I've seen evidence enough from the covers and pages of their romance novels to know the kind of males they crave.....and "Nice Guy" is not among them...unless a Nice Guy means a guy with hidden fangs and ruthless determination underneath outer vinere. Humans.....real Men, anyway....desire to be as gods. They want power, they want control, they want Importance and Influence....and historically, they'll go to any length to get it. Does this admittance mean that I give up on my believe in the God-King, on the Saving One? Not at all. It merely means that I have come to grips with the reality that in order for existence to be a happy one, power should rest, in these days of the twilight of the power-seeking mentality save but in the very few, in the hands of "gods" who truly care for the people as a whole, care for individuals, each and every one. Communism doesn't work because it doesn't recognize the craving in Real People for leadership (and domination?) over others. It doesn't recognize Ambition. And that is the reason Communism is not only impossible.... ...it is distasteful to the human soul. Chris Kelley 3 comments|post comment

Hegemon [04 Nov 2005|03:16pm] I stand corrected on who the greatest of all the Ender's Game characters are coolest other than Ender himself. I had once felt it, in myself and in my estimation in any case, to be Bean, otherwise known as Julian Delphiki, The Giant. New appreciation. The King of them all...or perhaps rather the Hegemon, other than his perfect brother, is Peter. Maybe as good a character, as Great a being, as his brother. Why would be somewhat of a foolish question, as you get along with the last of the four volumes of the Shadow saga of the Ender world, Shadow of the Giant, ostensibly mentioning Bean by that reference. I now wonder if The Giant is not just Bean alone, as even Card indicates, but the world Peter Wiggin is creating, the world Peter Wiggin already has shifting underneath him to his designs. Peter Wiggin himself, in his international "manifestation"? What a truth, that. He has, by the end of the game, created an international, free-thinking democracy under his absolute control. Right there, the ultimate oxymoron, and it is truly believable, not a joke. He is both chief representative of, and king over, the people of the world. A new world order in the better sense of the world. The sense that if it were any other than him in charge, everyone would be ****ed. Seriously, they view him at the End (the real end, 3000 years later coming towards us, as the story technically switches into its predecessors that tell the Ender saga), they view him as a god. Maybe more than a god, a bogdo. A history-changer, history-creator. Enough so that one of the Speaker of the Dead's (his brother Ender's) two great "holy writ" works are about him, the second of the two; Hegemon. Recently, I read a letter from a dear....correspondant...of mine. None dearer? Not sure there. Almighty YHVH surpasses ALL, after all and all. But in terms of fellow belief in the righteousness of the cause of free thinking and international revolution away from the idiocy of the world we now inhabit, to a greater and more enriching whole for all future generations who come after? In terms of wanting a Newness that the politics of our day will truly never have unless we act to bring them to fruition? Yeah, none greater. Anywhere. Likely ever. In the letter, she spoke of desire to make a better world. We regularly speak now of making a better world. I come to wonder if Mr. Wiggin's vision for the future would not be a bad one. post comment

56th Anniversary of the beginning of the war... [01 Sep 2005|03:42am] ...and other wars rage on. http://www.watch.org/showart.php3?idx=71072&rtn=/index.html&showsubj=1&mcat=1 Lastly, in comparisons, 7,800-8,000 people are being forced to evacuate the Gaza (and have been made refugees), to make room for the Islamic Palestinians, the same who've attacked huge Israel military targets such as grade schools with suicide attacks. The country that has been behind most of the "Land for Peace" proposals and strongarming of their nation is suffering 78,000-80,000 refugees from the costliest natural disaster ever. Seems the tithe works in other ways than just money, eh? post comment

It has come to my attention... [30 Jun 2005|05:15pm] ...that Combiners are now attending my deadJournal. Sweet. Maybe they can learn something about intensity that exists just 'cause it does. In other news, the materials many of you now read below are rarely directed toward any focused target. My words remain directed to different people about different things, as they should. After all, I'm Squalleus Maximus, the one and only, right?? Looking forward to the coming months for some reason, Squall 5 comments|post comment

Pure beliefs, Vol. $@)(#*!(#$&)(!*& (or God only knows, for the layman) [08 Mar 2005|08:24am] #1 On "jobs": You never get it, do you? For me to have been what I have been over the times you've known me, I couldn't have had one, period. To do so would be for me to take away from the time spent being there for others, and having to walk out on them and feel badly about it, like they've done so often to me and supposedly felt badly about it in turn. What you never seem to get is that I do understand that that means "welcome to the real world," and in responce, I tell that real world that it can go rot its goddamn carcas in some anonymous pit in Hell. I HATE that notion, that concept, that whatever. REAL friends SHOULD drop everything for each other, save solely their belief in their God/Deity/Spiritual-Belief....and if that means they're incompatible with what modern society (damn it to hell too, while I'm at it), then so fucking be it. I care more about my mores and my ideals than about staying alive, and I always will. It IS worth it to die for, period. Granted, at some point (and in fact probably inside the month), I will go forth to acquire one, all the same, due to "the sad facts of life." And when I do, I can guarantee you that when that job takes me away from helping friends in need, or forces me to break my blood-pacts, any blood-friendship pact, with ANY of such friends I have, I swear that the only rational thing I'll be able to do.....and I WILL do it...will be to go to nearby bathroom mirror the next morning, look into it with hatred, and remind myself what a scum-sucking piece of trash I am(would be), just like all the others who've broken blood-friendship when they swore it on their blood (life)...since it's never the ideal that should be corrected, the ideal's fine...it's the people themselves and the world itself that is fucked up. A statement like that means far more than the mere person themself, it is something far greater than them, and to break it means you/they/I should be attacked and convicted of it on a daily basis, and more power, I say, to the one who nobly attacks such wastes of skin. Therefore, with this outlook firmly implanted in my mind, you can see why I'm not too hot on getting one, as it very well may mean looking forward to a future where I get to tell myself how worthless I am for being a goddamn SELLOUT to the fucking "way the world works" and all other kind of shit. #2 On "educational achievements": Again, you never really have gotten it, have you? When I say I despise the way the world's education system works, I mean I truly do despise it, not "just wish their was some better, improved way..." The ENTIRE way is worthless, and for people to have to have papers, basically, showing "Credentials" on anything other than national security/leadership positions, is utterly RETARDED. Let them state their ideas in the open, and show their ability to teach. Judging by what's been said about me when I've done it myself? Works fine. The only alternative to that is that I myself am so much far and beyond normal humans that it's laughable, and I highly doubt that (and you likely do too, considering some of the stuff you've said on not abiding "self-righteousness"...even though it isn't, to begin with). Since I have been told by teachers with more than thirty years experience that I have an pronounced gifting to teach, and sometimes in ways better than they've ever known, how to explain that I've never gotten training in it, never gotten credentials, just gone out there and DONE it, and if not perfectly, then pretty fucking close (better than thirty years' experience, the implication anyway)? And moving still further, explain why there needs to be any goddamn SYSTEM to beat down, DUMB DOWN (remember that book, Dumbing Us Down??? I know I do, for the love of God, and it MEANT something to me...MORE than something to me, DAMMIT) everyone in a Set Order and Level of Standard To Be Judged By, as though all those kids, teens, young adults and ELDER adults are all mere SLAVES? You protest organized religion yet you do not protest organization in education. If you support one then you support both, because they both involve a "priesthood" to "nod to." Priests, Teachers. "Yes, Reverend," "Yes, Ma'am/Sir." Same damn thing. You cannot support one over the other, and be a legitimate sound mind, simple as that....or you can, and be EXTREMELY idiotic as a sound mind, which is an oxymoron and thus not true (and it isn't, in the end, despite protests from the followers of early 20th century quantum physicist Niels Bohr). Am I supposed to be so different? So alone amongst all others?? If so, then fine....tell me I'm such, if that is the implication. Tell me I'm the greatest, that I can do easily what others can in no way do. Because if I'm NOT alone, and they CAN.....and hilariously, for all the towering platitudes that would be given me if I WERE godlike in my own way that no one else (except Yeshua, and Him more than so) can ever match, I DO believe they can, anytime they really want it....then we are back to the system of "education" being nothing but trash, and just a way to bring order (translate to read: dumbed down sheep) to the masses beneath the high forces that imposed the nationwide federal educational system AFTER the Shakespeare & Bible quoting 16th President, greatest of all, had already risen from the farm plains of Illinois, Indiana and Kentucky (the best answer I ever heard to why he was so eloquent: "Shakespeare and the Bible." Ken Burns' line). Summing up, in case anyone or even everyone besides me have lost track of the point, I Believe. I believe that our education system is more than merely flawed, and ANYONE who sells out to a truly evil system (mentally-enslaving system) after they know what it is...after they are no longer ignorant of its nature...are what no less than the Bible calls whores and prostitutes. Literally selling themselves for worldly success of whatever sort. You can count me OUT of that....at least until I actually do, right? And then get the wonderful world of wanting to give the face in the mirror an absolutely delightful skull-smashing blow of contempt and hatred. #3 "On Living By Oneself" If I did, how soon would it be before I physically assaulted someone I don't like? I know I don't think it would be very long. If I lived with only one person as a roommate, how long until my hurricane/tornadic nature would literally either terrify them, or cause US to be the ones slugging it out right there on the floor? I have always had a problem trying to learn to control temper, merely because I don't see how I'll get what I seek by doing so. Valuing others, and stepping down from confrontation? Sure I value others....naturally protective of them, as well as wanting to see them challenge ALL the Fates as well at their own game. But backing away from confrontation? I ADORE confrontation. Live for combat. Always have, and more than once have come close to bashing someone's skull into solid concrete to get back at them in-EARNEST....for attacking me in turn. Or maying smashing their skull into a doornob or something. I.e., just totally without mercy, if and when they want to truly throw down with one who would aspire to be the most frightening and intimidating who EVER lived life. Seriously, to continue THAT vein....I've laughed deeply, very often, the times I've been compared to a fire-breathing dragon (one of my friends are called that last word by name, but I'm serious here)...I've laughed at fear, when I've seen it through their exterior. I've totally enjoyed inspiring it, and God help them if they ever forget. Yes, I still do like to have quiet contemplative, "philosophical" times with them, but look how often I've immediately tried to think of a way to help solve-the-problem-NOW, when having them mentioned to me (especially by girls, incidentally, who in turn have claimed guys are like that in general). If males ARE like that in general? Hot dog, I'm apparently by far the strongest such, of all. Of all, there it is again, Strongest. Most. Disturbingly such. Extremely. Frightening extreme. Etc. Etc. ...Etc. How COULD I live without people I know have gotten somewhat used to being around it? It took 18 solid years to get to this point here, and a lot of headaches to everyone around me (mixed with more joys still, I should like to note, for those who think me a total monster). I WAS the one who had the gall to write in "I Don't Know" when the answer was such on tests, and positively argue for hours with the teachers over it, from whatever position. Think for a moment of a six-year old telling you to go to hell...I didn't, but that was because I was raised in a "Biblical home." The thoughts and feelings of contempt for the other side were there, maybe even more so in youth. I truly DID always feel in the right....why else would I have chosen my stance, if I DIDN'T feel it?? I certainly never subscribed to any belief at ALL, unless I was absolutely convinced I was right...and never have since those days, either. If I say this is what I believe, I have sent it through hellish cauldrons of questions way before saying "I've come to wonder if..." The reason I usually put it THAT way is because it's been more politick than saying, "Well, if you want reality, this is the way things tend to be...", and starting right there, verbatim (and for those of you wanting to apply that line to section #2, my responce [already anticipating before the fact] is such: I agree that's how life's been....and I'm going to tear that part of life down with my own bare hands. Period). To summarize, succinctly: I love combat. I love war. I love conflict. Anything to get the juice of blood and the crack of bone and sinew going. I am in my element when in that situation, and never want it to end....a reason I adore the Metal Gear video game/even-so-far-as-cinematic-movie series, actually. That being the case, and the ingrained love of fighting being in me, how could I live with roommates, and how could I live alone, if I'd openly seek out conflict right there on the street in order to get it? One possibility my mind allows for is to become a vigilante who's above the law, like a Matt Murdock or something. That could work. As comic bookish as it sounds to some, vigilantes are NOT comic bookish, and can be quite brutal most of the time. #4 On "Forgiveness" The bane of my existence...right there. The one point of them all, of all things you might've said, that I will concede. I don't really know forgiveness, or what it is, if it means "forgetting." Already I'll break paragraph, since this deserves that kind of pause. A few weeks ago, I read a fascinating line in a book called Inside the Chess Mind, that illuminated the situation for me in a surprising way. Of all subjects, that one would teach me about my problem with forgiveness. And what it taught was this: "It is imperative that you not look ahead and gaze at the answers to the chess situations. Why? Try telling someone to forget the rules of chess, and start from square one, after learning them. Watch them try. They will fail to do so. The rules cannot be unlearned, nor can bicycle riding. Once a part of you, you, in a way, are now a part of they." Fantastically deep, but big surprise from chess. I read it, and saw through it the problem I have: How to forget. How to "un-make." '...they will fail to...' I do not know how to UnRemember. People have done the things to me, this part you know so well. Things have happened. In a way you, the specific one I'm mostly speaking to of all the ones who may read this, have not held onto, I am still just as disturbed by both the reelection of Bush AND the notion of Kerry being the supposed alternative, and the dystopian world that fully means we currently inhabit, as I was that November Wednesday morn! I haven't forgotten ANY of it, and THAT'S not a wrong done to me! It's an IS. And it is a memory that is not unmade. Not by time, which I apparently live outside of for all intents (which subsequently makes one wonder if education applies to me as it does to all these others who forget...maybe I should go find a college university dean to debate that with, and see if I'd be admitted to the place on the spot as a special case, after twenty straight hours without a break, LOL), and not by other experiences, which for all their luster and wonder and shine, don't make up for the bad things. Not a choice between "bitterness or betterness," but a refusal to accept the way things horrifically have been, and are. You yourself admitted that I don't behave like people are "supposed" to. And you did say that, if you'll recall, when I asked how one even forgives to begin with, if it implies forgetting to move past. You said people let time take the memory away, "but there's something 'not right' with you"...if not the exact quote, then the implication. "Somewhere in there where the connection is severed. Time doesn't take anything away, with you." It makes it worse, to interject why I have myself said, but quoting your admission/statements in bulk here, not mine. Your statements that something was wrong with me, simply put. Now, that said, since you've just said it (...and there's a raw example, unvarnished, as we speak), it begs the question again: How am I supposed to ask someone how to breathe? How DOES one do that, eh? What in the world do I mean (for those out of the loop)...? How do you ask how to do something that is supposed to not ever stop, not ever supposed to not be instinct alone. How does one "forget." I'm sure people with photographic memories (me one of them? I wonder, in many ways) want to know the same thing. the beliefs of Chris Kelley, the one and ONLY Squall 7 comments|post comment

We're dealing with geniuses, here... [11 Feb 2005|11:25am] http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=516&e=4&u=/ap/nkorea_nuclear "North Korea believed Bush's recent emphasis on spreading freedom and ending tyranny around the world 'effectively targeted' the isolated state, Han said." So they just outright said that they're tyrants against liberty, if I'm not mistaken. Funniest thing of it is that the first enemy I thought of was Iran, when Bush spoke his words. Squall post comment

Returned with a broken heart [05 Feb 2005|07:12am] What does one do if one sees no light at the end of the tunnel? I've asked this question in the past, and now I must ask it again. I have returned. Whether from the dead, for all intents, or from mere nowhere, I'm not really sure. It's gray, if the latter, and I either wouldn't return from the former, or wouldn't have the choice anyway, given the amount of time that's passed. I have returned to a life that now has a mission, a point, a matter of contention...in fact several matters of contention...at the cost of a heart shattered and a dream now lying in broken ruins, and the sharp edges of those glass-sharp ruins cutting into my soul, still. Maybe for the rest of my life. There are many things in my life that I must now do. Not least of which, making sure that mine is one of the brightest and most pronounced stars in all the heavens of humanity's history...insuring that future people's will look back on this time and see a stark FISSURE in history, where things would have gone without me and where they went with me. And not only that, but carrying a dream, the Ultimate Dream, of a Man whose vision is far beyond even my own, to the utter ends of all. These things, prominent in my mind, and I must continually remind myself of them, nonstop. But even through it, I remember. I am haunted, by a memory and a dream. Another dream, one that seemed so fascinating, so wonderful, so amazing. One that seemed limitless. How naive, eh? How naive I was. Am. I still remember, and it won't go away. I remember how a dream was there, right in my lap, for me to act on. 'All he needed do was burn bridges with others, go after it, and it was his, he realized....it might have been his, if he had tossed the others around him aside, and rushed headlong into it, thinking nothing of the others he would harm.' ...all he needed do was such, and the world could have made some semblence of sense. For want of a nail. For want of ruthlessness, and one single moment of not caring about any but himself. And this was the test I failed. In reverse. This was the test that bit me, with viper and venom. The test, the curse, of loving others above myself always. The test of giving myself completely to others, for their benefit alone, never for mine. I failed the opportunity, by staying true to the Calling, as I had come to understand its meaning. I couldn't abandon one I loved, just as I can't abandon any others with me. And the price I paid for this was sadness, which has shown no sign of going away over the last two months. Do I feel bitterness from these events? Do I feel anger, hostility, resentment and rage that the universe was stacked in such a way as to inflict such hurt, in the end?? Do I cry about it. The answer to all you should already know. I wouldn't be who I am ,if the answer were any different...no matter how much I love so very many....so very all...in the end. Yes, I do feel those things. Every day. It is difficult to speak about, write about. It is not a subject I enjoy thinking over. To see the dream that was like a Holy Grail, THE cup.....if not the cup The Master drank, than the cup that a follower must drink to walk their divine path. To see it, and see it shatter, into tauntings and attacks and ridicule, from one loved more than she can know.....all of it, as a result of loving still another, from even before her, just as much... All of it, something I would rather erase from the pages of time, and shove fiery anger and viciousness in the face of any who claim it was worth it to go through. Worth it for it not to be in the end. Though I agree, it is worth it to love and not be loved in like matter, I will never agree that the path of pain taken is worth it for the love. The pain should not even be there, and a happier ending should exist.....even if I'm not one to know what a happier ending would ever even be. Things should be better. People shouldn't love and lose, for they should never lose at all. Trust me, I know. Losing sucks. Losing that which is the so very valuable, worse. Losing what you saw and cherished and dreamed about, worse still. Losing a piece of your heart, worse even still. I suppose losing your soul would be the worst, ranking at the bottom of a certain book's listings....glad I don't have to suffer that far to the absolute bottom of all. It would be Hell to go into that, after all, right? No matter. I have a dream, I have tasks, I have a vision for the future, and I have a Belief I hold to wholeheartedly, now, Believing it to be the Very Best thing the world can find and acquire. I'm just not sure about matters in the heart department. Would suck if someday my warriors following me found that it was actually a heart that was weak enough...is...weak enough...to be wounded and slashed by a Woman. Squall, returned from the land of nowhere 4 comments|post comment

A warning for those who will come after, and a message [28 Nov 2004|02:12am] Tonight something is scheduled to happen that may well change my outlook on life indefinitely. Perhaps permanently. I am likely going to go through a very difficult time of it. The difference from normal is here that I'm feeling the warning before the event. A warning of how I might be, what I might become, and horrors of action that might result even for years from this point. I truly do not know what is going to happen, if what I'm afraid is true really is true with a given friend of mine. I do not know if I'll actually go crazy, deep down inside, or not...psycho, loony, without a hint of compassion or understanding for any living being, whatever, pick your phrase. What I want to tell you all, now, before it happens... Is that I love you all. I always have. Every friend who has ever been there for me, every sparing partner that has helped forge and sharpen my intellectual, physical, and spiritual blade. I will always love you, and will remember my loyalty to you, loyalty that will nevere break, I swear to you and to YHWH, the Saving God. I won't hurt you, given the choice. If I do hurt you...it's not me in there, then. No longer me. Say prayers to YHWH for me, if it ever gets that bad. Chris, who knows, possibly for the last time 2 comments|post comment

"Change it so the heart faces in" [27 Nov 2004|08:08am] I have. And I love what I see. Someone who is more extreme than others around him. Someone who has the lowest bull-tolerance known to exist anywhere. One who is willing to kill, or spare, anyone to get his point of the moment across. How I love it, in the end. If I could have anything said about me after I pass from this limiting world, anything under blue heaven and amidst God's green Earth, I would have it be that I was the most haunting and eerie human being that those speaking had ever seen and heard. That would be It, the pinnicle. That out of all the beings in history, all the quotes of even the harshest and strangest Jokers of the deck, the King of Them All was Squalleus Maximus, the Strangest of Any Stars. I want it so that in walking down a deserted path in the wilderness somewhere, those who knew me best wonder what'll happen now that I'm not around. Talk about me often, but not for the purpose of stupid narcissism on my part....instead talking about why things were so different with me. What could've happened to create me, even. If life would be better or worse if more like me had existed, and maybe the answer being worse. A being who believed in his principles so much that he was easily to destroy everything and everyone everywhere in order to defend them. A young man to whom Ideas meant way more than any mere People, by any stretch of the imagination....who would've given anything....DID give everything???...to see them come to pass, come to fruitition. How cool it would be if contradictions and shivers when thinking of me, were the aftermath of my existence. If I became a byword for the completely inexplicable, a living Bermuda Triangle. *Smiles* Someone who would switch between sheer, deep admiration for Mother Theresa and cocking a shotgun and pressing it hard against another's skull, asking if they want to die, in two seconds flat? SWEET....and have them know, in their Heart of Living Hearts, that I meant both sides with every fiber of my being. That I never did anything that I didn't really believe in deep down, Ever, and there was always the threat that that would include going on living, at some obscure moment in time. Always a threat, to do anything, anywhere, shiningly good or disturbingly ill, at any given moment. That would be the peak of my dream, to be capable literally of anything, and to give people a private, disquieting sensation when looking at worn photos of me, a century from now...to give my friends, those who knew me best (the best to which they were able...), a shudder when comparing me, even in only passing, to those they could understand and anticipate...or at least anticipate non-stop. Frightening. I'd love to be known as that. Compassionate and loving, that too. But what I really, really would want most.....is creepy. ..."The strangest man I ever knew...and I still wonder about him. Wonder if it was all an act, if he really believed in that stuff. And if he was really a human at all, if he did. What he really might've been...if it was all real." How I'd savor that, if I could know that I would haunt history's pages, and the pages of the Unexplained. From here on out, I'll show you why history might think of me this way. Squalleus Maximus post comment

Trustworthiness [27 Nov 2004|07:55am] People don't deserve it, I'm coming to understand more and more. They say things they don't mean, it is as simple as that. They make promises they don't keep, they say things that they slack off from, they "change" from....drift away from, lose some touch with, wonder about.......... All that fucking bullshit. All those goddamn excuses for the simple fact that they're WEAK. Too damn weak for me, anyway. More and more, when I hear people speak of me as "needing to be more rational, more down-to-earth, more finite, more mortal...."...and "more like the human race," the most straightforward of all...I come to wonder why the hell I would ever want that. People are disgusting...if they weren't, they wouldn't LIE so much about their intentions. They'd make more solid statements about actually standing for something on a Firm Rock, not on sand and paste and whatever else is the fruit of the moment...or fruit of the lune, as the case be. People are boring. Where are the living gods? Where are the superheroes, the transcendent figures of history who bend it to their will? Where are these figures? Less and less I see them, and less and less I see history that really matters in the cosmic scale. More and more, people just drifting to and fro in the Earth, looking for some way to make money, survive, procreate, and anything BUT be remembered but a trillion generations, for all time as among the greatest and most shocking beings who ever set foot upon reality. Where is the spectacular? If it's not there, why do you think I'll give a damn about life in general? I'm not ever going to change my outlook just because of the way assinine existence claims to be, it's dumbass facts of life and all that. If the facts of life get in the way, pound them into the ground, I say!! GET RID of them!!! Break the cage of dreariness, and pathetic humanity! Go for Superhuman, ALL THE DAMN TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The King of the Land of Surreal 1 comment|post comment

Nevere Nevere Land [27 Nov 2004|04:32am] Never, never. It never has been, and never will be. It is a dream, a concept made up in order to dream of what we like and what we cannot reach. Never never shall we see it in life, never never shall we experience its fragrant flow. It is the ideal world, the kind of world we would like to live in, but know we can't. Fuck that. Not only AM I going to live in it, others will too. A world that is pretty much better than this one, and unspeakably worse for people who don't have fundamentals in their heart. And how mine will sing for joy at that fact. I am not sorry for stating that I'll remake the universe...that I'll steamroll opposition like any petty dictator might wish they could pull, only in those artistic ways that they have never comprehended, and never will. Mastering The Universe, By Whatever Means Necessary. I will do it, no question on it. Many have asked me (or actually one in particular has asked me, the others just told me I'm arrogant) how I can know what's right. They've asked me what right I have to impose my views on others, my solutions and Totally Personal Universal Revolution on life itself. I'm Squall. The only one willing to, looks like, and able to back it up with acts.....because I WILL BACK IT UP WITH ACTION, I swear to God I will. In the end, I don't care what I have to do to accomplish it, and accomplish what I seek. Any sacrifice of personal self being possible and conceivable to make in order to get it, including my own existence. As for whether there should be sacrifice of others, I'm leaning towards yeah, there should. Some things are more important than anyone who lives, that I will know and cherish knowledge of to the day of my exiting of this reality. Don't like this way of things, this outlook on life? Tough fucking beans. I really don't care, right now, and likely won't, period. Maybe I will...and maybe I'll swallow a live snake, too. I WILL treat others the way I want to be treated, and get pissed off at them if they don't treat me like that, back. It's not about what I would like them to do, it's what they're going to learn to do, if they don't want war with me (wars that I will always win in the end, however it takes to do so, even if it means self-destruction in order to defeat them, which is a victory if you value their defeat more than your own survival, which I do). Do not think that I don't respect others when I say these things. That you can be assured of, I respect people highly. If I didn't, I wouldn't even tell them what I think, ask what they think and be interested in any of their thoughts, or look at them as even existing to begin with. I'd just not register them at all, save as possible obstacles to my power, dominance and objectives, obstacles that would need to be eliminated whenever given the opportunity to do so. But I do respect them. I do give them the time of day. Would that some people who I talk to would understand this, though I'm quite confident that they'll just refuse to do so, ad infinitum, not being able to accept that this is one of "the things that just are fact," that they themselves have preached on. They'll continue their own beliefs about how I am, and they'll continue their own fallacies in doing so. Oh fycking well, sacrifices have to be made. That's the basic news from On High Maximus. On the domestic front, I'm now going to be gunning for SATs, which I am at last getting truly ready to take. My goal is 1600s (yeah, "1600s" not "800s")/Perfection, and I won't stop until I get Perfect scores on the useless things, then I'll consider gunning for double as good as Perfection, like I'm more than capable of doing any time I wish it. Squalleus Maximus of the Setting Sun demigod post comment

"A" Test [24 Nov 2004|12:17am] I am curious as to whether Ron Artest is really all there. In his interview on The Today Show, Artest described his intentions to nationwide audience. Basically, he explained that his acts in the NBA were and are all about love, just like his currently-advertised rap CD. Love, and giving the best image possible to basketball, the game he loves. I come to wonder if he left part of himself on the court of the Palace at Auburn Hills. If that was about love, so was the atomic bombing of Japan, to seek peace in the end of it all. If about peace, and the best possible light, then the light is an understanding on the way things are in the 'hood. And incidentally, I don't blame him at all for this. I approve, actually, of his stance against the pathetic bastards who inhabit the city of Detroit, and taking on the asshole fans who threw things at him, as well as approving of the posse of Stephen Jackson going in after him and Jermaine O'Neal flooring the fan who was coming after him, on the court itself. Fans who go out there into the malee deserve the violence they're going to get. But Artest claiming peace makes no sense. It wasn't peaceful, it was the dogs of war. If you did it, live up to it, with shame or with pleasure and pride, if you desire. If the world hates you, so ****ing what? You're going to be suspended anyway....a lot of people are going to LIKE you, for showing the gall and balls to hit back when thrown at by a fan who turns out now to have a steady criminal record. If all Detroit hates your guts and still want to throw things? So what? It's Detroit. Stand up, as it were. Be open about the violence, and make it known that those who don't fight and just accept the shit are weaklings. The fan attacked, you attacked back. Be open about it, and the fact that you have as violent a temper as anyone on Earth. Let it ride, then. Be a warrior, Artest...not a liar about your inner nature. If it is war, so thus it be. Squalleus Maximus of the Phoenix Legion post comment

Bloodsporting [20 Nov 2004|03:53am] http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/columns/story?columnist=ratto_ray&id=1927360 In all my years watching sports, only one other form of occurrance has given me this kind of sickened, disgusted feeling about what is happening in our culture. A world where fans get to throw things, and they feel they are justified by it...not only "littering" (no wonder wrappers and cans and bottles are always strewn across our parks), but feeling they are entitled to treat other people or other people's property (when in the case of the grounds themselves) in such a way. Where have I seen this before...let me think... Oh yes, I remember now. NASCAR. NASCAR fans who protest a legal yellow flag by throwing crap, for all intents, onto the track. People who act on their stupid emotions first, and not on civility....if there still is civility anymore these days. In a world where "the show" is the most important thing, where sport and competition is replaced by entertainment (the Romans used blood and death...why not get a annual vote on whether to bring that one back?) and popularity (mob rule is always popular, else it wouldn't ever form, would it), where "bang for your buck" is desperately required by sports organizations to stem the predilection of many to be simply more interested in R- and X-rated movies and the like......this should actually not be very surprising, should it. But this thread is not about NASCAR, and its paragraphs won't focus on that....merely on the tide of sentiment these days, in all manner of sports....and specifically from the Almighty FANS, who so many groups/organizations say are the focal point of their entire existence. That without which, they wouldn't exist at all, would they?....................... Baseball would. Go watch the brilliant Ken Burns series on it. You don't need a crowd for baseball, you only need enough room for a diamond and an outfield and enough players for positions....sometimes not even that, and you can still get by. Multi-millionaires and big-name contracts not even part of the equation, on these Elysian Fields that have no names. And the reason why?? Because baseball, the Great American Sport, IS a sport. It is not entertainment, those it is entertaining. It is not a money-maker, though it makes money for owners and players. It is not a television program, though literally millions could hold television interest. It is a sport. It has rules. It has close-knit battles. It has blowouts. It has close-knit yawners. It has a few battles that are immortalized in a pantheon of television shots and radio calls. Such it is with all true sports, whether the Indianapolis 500-Mile Race (as opposed to NASCAR now, truth be told) or the Super Bowl, or The Masters, or the Stanley Cup (once NHL players and owners get over their ****ing greed and obstinance of late, anyway). If there are things in it the Home Crowd doesn't like?? Tough beans (could go with a cuss there, but will make an attempt to stay civil, unlike many fans). Again, though, this is about basketball, right? ...Maybe not. Maybe this is about the whole nature of what's happened to sporting society, in the last 20 years. Narcissism, simply put. A feeling of entitlement to this or that thing that in the old days had to be earned by Mr. Churchill's blood, toil, tears and sweat. Players deserve those big-time contracts before they've even taken a single snap, taken a single shot. They were hot stuff before in college....er, high school?.....right? They've already proven themselves once, what more needs to be done?! (assuming, of course, that we're not talking about the elitists in movies like The In-Crowd or Mean Girls or whatever who think they deserve it period, no other explanation given) Does sport exist only for the fans? Or even for the players? Tough questions, especially the second, admittedly. More than once have many waxed philosophic for the nature of competition, it being a civilized form of battle that many...or at least many males, not to sound sexist but it's flat-out true...openly crave. Accomplishment, self-assertion, brilliance performance and power...all these things seen in sports, just as they've been seen in rather more gruesome fields of exploit that usually involved projectiles and explosions and fire. Does this matter nothing at all now in a culture that's willing to sue someone for tapping into their car, always looking for the easiest way to get rich quick (since, after all, getting rich in a short amount of time just isn't enough anymore, even in its own right, is it)? Is there no one left to see "the mysticism of it all," the great self-introspection that comes, if only for fleeting instants, when it's first-and-98 yards to go (Denver/Cleveland), and you but two seconds to make that basket (Duke/Kentucky 1992) across full court, a mere ten laps to make up an infinite eleven second lead (1982 Indy 500)? The answer pretty much a resounding no, all points considered, ranging from fans throwing trash at Talladega to beer at Artest to radios at the Jacksonville Jaguars in Cleveland (which, incidentally, happened to be the single event I'd say the fans were truly justified, at, given the shredding of the rule book that evening. Doesn't take away from the horror of flying blunt objects). I am reminded as well of Duke fans telling Louisville fans in the 1986 NCAA basketball championship, "U of L, go to hell." Narcissism, anyone? I could even bring up politics, in this, and allude to the accusations being made by some that the nation we live in is of late more of a police state, in the name of protecting its citizens. Maybe this riot is the first example I can see of just why so many guards would be necessary, to protect the individuals (whose rights are being trampled by defenders? Irony thick as iron...) from The Mobs. Entire groups getting completely out of hand, and sheer firepower being the only thing to get through to them that their paths of devastation (remember the L.A. riots after the Lakers won it in 2000?) isn't really a good idea. They don't remember how to behave themselves. They think they're entitled to anything they want through any way it takes to get it. What this can be blamed on, an entire philosophical discussion beyond the scope of even this post...the issue here being that the majority are simply screwed up, and the noble individuals are now the truly great (in more ways than one) exceptions. Artest, get yourself some time with a counselor, or study jeet kune do, Master Bruce Lee's martial art...or something. Self-Control, for the love of God. Ben Wallace, get over the We're Champions prima dona attitude and take on the We're Champions, We're Above That attitude. Detroit?....meh, let's go with the entire American Drunken Majority....please realize that if you throw things at a combatant, a combatant in anything at all, honor says you've just made yourself one likewise. Oh, and one other thing...GROW THE F*CK UP. CK post comment

Forgiveness for not being able to be around? [16 Nov 2004|06:06am] Another issue in this daily thing of mine. People requiring me to forgive them for something that is completely understandable. Granted, I often ask them to forgive because I happen to know how most of the human race is.....but I'm not like that, if anyone doesn't recall it. I don't act like my race does. Sometimes for the better, many times for the worse (in one manner of thinking, anyway...not sure how the dark-siders around this appropriately dark side journal would look at it). Stuff happens. This is not a violation of principles, this is not a breaking of covenent, this is a "things didn't work out." Oh-bleeding-well. It's fine. I am not wacko in the bad way enough to scream "YOU PROMISED TO BE THERE AT PRECIESLY.....!" if I'd ever even remotely think of it in the first place. I have trouble keeping to precise time unless I Absolute Decide to, so why should I expect different from others? Do unto others as, ne? Besides.....it's not healthy to time out everything, to be precisely on schedule. Screw with the thing sometimes. Mix things up, make things weird. I'm Squall....I enjoy things like that, so long as the important things are held to. Needing to interact Every Single Day isn't one of them, unless you are trapped in a war zone, or are contemplating suicide. Then contact must continue to be established until you are no longer in either situation.......but since that's not issue here, I think, it's okay. Forgiveness for a slight problem, as one from mentioned to me online? I still do believe in the teachings of the King of kings, be aware, no matter how much sellouts, and evil itself for that matter, may anger me. Squall post comment

Prices [16 Nov 2004|02:46am] While writing my science-fantasy story, alluded to in earlier writings...as well as reading other things of keen interest to me...I have come to wonder what price is necessary to be paid for seeming gifts. Amongst the lists of "things kings (paraphrased, but I refer to my kind as kings, for want of a better word) should be aware of," one of the rules is to never be indebted to anyone. Another way of putting it is "free lunches are never free." Of late, here and there a few things have been offered to me, seemingly free of charge. I question this...not because I dislike the help, not because I dislike the seeming friendship of the act...helping, friendship, commeraderie is all well and good (most of the time, always a catch or an exception somehow)...but I am curious...uncertain...unsettled...as to the idea of there needing to be a payback in some fashion, when I have in fact agreed to nothing but to be willing to meet given friends in whatever open they require or consider right. I will not...cannot...defy my principles, no matter how much lust inside for knowledge may burn. There are some lines my curiosity or headstrongness will allow me past, to explore, and to learn about They Way Things Are...etc. There are other lines I refuse to cross, even if it means my utter annihilation. This is not a threat, or a rebuttal, be aware. Only a warning, of how things must be. Here's taking a moment to be thankful of your attention to this, oh galleries of the unseen out there. Squall post comment

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